[MD] Merry Christmas

[Ham Priday]

Happy Christmas Eve to All --


I'm running my own adaptation of Harvey Ehrlich's 1992 "PC take" on Clement 
Moore's beloved poem on my website this week.  Just thought it might provide 
some light-hearted amusement on the eve of this special holiday if I posted 
it here.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, or Joyous Yuletide Solstice -- as it may 
apply,
--Ham

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A POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS*

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they now were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
Were alleged by the unions to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished-so much for propriety,
Released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And the ACLU had made it quite clear,
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners were removed from his beautiful sleigh;
The ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people had called in the cops,
When they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
The smoke from his pipe had his elves in a fright, and
 His fur-trimmed red suit wasn't "enviro-enlightened".

Santa's workshop had practically ground to a halt,
The funds having dwindled through nobody's fault.
Caught up in recession when credit is bad,
He hadn't been told that ready cash could be had,
By requesting a bailout as a business most vital,
>From Government experts who'd see this as a trifle.
But he learned in a flash how today's money flows,
When Rudolf had sued over unauthorized use of his nose.
He'd gone to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
Demanding some millions in past-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone?and also his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life.
She'd joined a self-help group, packed and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on that her title was Ms.
And as for gifts...why, he'd ne'er had the notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her.
Nothing to aim for, nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets?they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
For they raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football, for one could get hurt.
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to the dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passé.
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed.
He just couldn't figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay,
(But you've got to be careful with that word today!)
Besides, we don't say "Merry" but "Happy Holiday".

His sack was quite empty, it lay flat on the ground,
Not one thing acceptable was anywhere to be found.
Something special was needed?a gift that he might
Give to all, with no offense to the left or the right,
A gift that would satisfy with no indecision,
Each group of people in every religion,
Every race, every hue?everyone?even you!
So here is that gift, at whatever price it is worth...

"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH!"
   ________________________________________________________________________
*Adapted from Harvey Ehrlich's 1992 poem of the same name, with apologies to 
Clement Moore.