[MD] a haunting

[Heather Perella]

Ron,

     I switched the name of this thread to give a more
accurate description to where this discussion has been
heading.

     [Ron] 
> Spiritual Adirondack,
> I realize it is your job to make productive well
> adjusted citizens of
> young "delinquent?" women,
> Having two daughter myself, how do you feel the
> program measures up to
> your personal beliefs?

     It doesn't.  The program tries, but can't mimic
the woods - the programs too human logos with a side
of $.  I hope you understand when I say woods, I'm
talking about, well yeah, the woods, but I'm talking
about a reality where humans are trees and those crows
chasing the red-tailed hawk I saw on the walk today. 
Everything just comes together so nicely.  Dangers are
real, and calm eventful moments are real.  This is one
reason I like this job is the realness.  These events
are real, but what I don't like is that it is us
humans making and controlling 99% of the reality (the
exact number is not important but you get my drift). 
I feel alienated or foreign or something when at work.
 I've taken the girls on walks before in the woods
(well, only twice in the past 8 months), but with the
problems we're having now, that won't happen.  I feel
a strain, as if I'm being cut off from what I really
am when I go to work.  If things went well, then I
guess maybe I wouldn't be so tense, but their troubled
girls and trouble is their middle name.  I really
don't know how to explain my personal beliefs very
well, but if you ever find yourself sitting near a
creek in the woods and everything becomes so clear for
you - that's where I like to be.  If that can be a
belief then that's my personal belief.  

     [Ron]
> Do you feel most of these girls are simply
> responding to how they were
> raised ie. Violently?

     I'm sure of it with some.  Also, the society
outside of the family may put more pressure on these
girls than the family at times.  That though can
become cyclical and the question is why can't the
family be strong enough to hold off those negative
influences in the rest of society.  But then again,
this culture is a strong one, so...

     [Ron]
> Or are thses average kids who do need a hard lesson?

     We have in general two kinds of girls that show
up on our doorsteps, so to speak.  We have the
runaways and the aggressors.  The runaways might be
average kids looking for a way out of something.  We
tend not to come down on them too hard.  No need to,
they usually do what you ask of them.  In some cases
these runaways try to run from the facility, and we
have to watch them closely.  They might be thinking
their between a rock and a hard place.  The
aggressors, though, well their not very average. 
Something happened along the way that made them
aggressive, demanding, and have an attitude that is
just plain rude.  These are the ones that nobody wants
to be around, and we're (staff) are just waiting for
the trouble to begin.  They'll act out and be defiant
for the sake of defiance.  Yet, their defiance is not
a peace march.  They are battle ready.  And this
battle mode is so opposite of how I've been my whole
life.  My dad called me the peacemaker of the house. 
About a decade ago all's I did was camp, walk in the
woods, and have a garden.  I didn't have a job, and I
literally woke up everyday and went straight outside
after an early breakfast.  I saw the sunrise for that
year and a half, oh, 80% of the time.  Sun down just
as much.  Not counting cloudy days.  If it rained, I
still went outside for some time, getting soaked, and
finding a way to make a fire.  I made so many fires. 
I love a fire and the woods.  Making a fire was... oh,
I miss those days.  I've been trying to get back into
this habit at times.  My new schedule is helping.  Now
with a baby, new paths are being made by my footsteps,
but I hope to incorporate all of these old habits into
my present habits.  I won't be going out into the
woods as I did that one time, but the more I do, the
better I feel.  I feel sick if I don't.  I even have
another name, but it's not important.  Talk to me
about your daughters.  And if you could, talk about
the haunting you mentioned in the other post.  I know
I have a gnawing on me almost everyday I wake up, and
a haunting might be the best way to describe this
gnawing I have.  Just noticing that it is a haunting,
clears 'things' up for me.  I'm glad you put it that
way.  

Thanks,
SA


 
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